Want to laugh??? (Full Version)

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let it ride -> Want to laugh??? (8/19/2004 7:48:28 PM)

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex,they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes,he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house."Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!".

let it ride -> RE: Want to laugh??? (8/19/2004 7:50:30 PM)

There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later.The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He
went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife jus smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"

let it ride -> RE: Want to laugh??? (8/19/2004 7:53:17 PM)

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated,he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's scaling. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Trader4 -> RE: Want to laugh??? (8/20/2004 6:45:01 AM)

The country boy visits a house of ill repute for the first time. "What's your pleasure?" the Madam asks him.
"Gee I dunno, whatcha got?" he replies.
"Well, says the Madam, we have straight missionary, round the world, sixt-ynine......."
"Think I'll try that sixtynine, never heard of it before but it sounds like you get a lot for your money" says the country boy.
The madam takes his money and directs him to a room upstairs. A fairly nice looking gal enters the room, undresses him, strips naked and directs the country boy to lay on the bed on his back.
"Now I'm going to lay the opposite way on top of you and we'll just start licking and sucking" she explains.
They begin and after a few minutes she accidently passes gas in his face.
"Whoa, what the heck was that" the country boy exclaims.
"Oh don't worry about it honey, she tells him, "Just continue what you're doing".
A few minutes later she does it again.
"Damn!" he cries out.
"Don't sweat it honey, just shake it off and get back to licking" she says.
Several minutes later she blows one again. The country boy rolls her off from on top, gets up and starts putting his clothes on.
"Where you going?!" she shouts.
"No offense m'am, says the country boy, "but I don't know if I can stand sixty-six more of those".

let it ride -> RE: Want to laugh??? (8/21/2004 1:31:34 PM)

A farmer got pulled over by state trooper Jon for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, trooper Jon got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, “Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?”

Trooper Jon stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well yeah, if that’s what they are—I never heard of circle flies.”

So the farmer said, “Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they’re called circle flies because they’re almost always found, circling around the back end of a horse.”

The trooper said, “Oh,” and went back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stopped and said, “Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse’s ass?”

“Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”

Trooper Jon said, “Well, that’s a good thing,” and went back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer said, “Hard to fool them flies though.”

DCJ -> RE: Want to laugh??? (8/27/2004 11:58:26 AM)

Was at the local pub last night having a few brews. On the way out of the place there was an old guy propped up against the wall. He was drunker than all get out.
He says, "Hey young fellow, can you do me a favor?"
I said "sure, no problem."
The drunk asks me, "Is my tallywacker hanging out?"
I took a look and replied, "Nope."
"Damn!" he says. "Guess I'm pissing my pants again!"

Celt -> RE: Want to laugh??? (8/29/2004 9:35:15 AM)

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man."

The other man then replies: "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

let it ride -> RE: Want to laugh??? (9/2/2004 6:18:04 AM)

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."No more was said about the statue, not even later when they went to sleep.Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here,"he said to the statue, "eat something.. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Celt -> RE: Want to laugh??? (9/5/2004 4:18:45 PM)

> >A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a
> bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president
> of the Bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of
> money!"
> >
> >After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her
> into the president's office (the customer is always right!) The
> bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
> She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto
> his desk.
> >
> >The president was of course curious as to how she came by all
> this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying
> so much cash around."Where did you get this money?"
> >
> >The old lady replied, "I make bets."
> >
> >The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"
> >
> >The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that
> your balls are square."
> >
> >"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
> >
> >You can never win that kind of bet!"
> >
> >The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
> >
> >"Sure," said the president, I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are
> not square!"
> >
> >The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of
> money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM
> as a witness?" "Sure!" replied the confident president. That
> night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a
> long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from
> side to side, again and again.
> >
> >He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was
> absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the
> bet.
> >
> >The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady
> appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced
> the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says
> the president's balls are square!"
> >
> >The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked
> him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did.
> >
> >The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if
> she could feel them.
> >
> >"Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so
> I guess you should be absolutely sure."
> >
> >Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his
> head against the wall. The President asked the old lady, "What the
> hell's the matter with your lawyer?"
> >
> >She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM
> today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

let it ride -> RE: Want to laugh??? (11/7/2004 4:54:00 PM)

Famous Sexy Quotes ...
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

PIX2CLICK -> RE: Want to laugh??? (12/8/2017 10:00:09 PM)


I/O -> RE: Want to laugh??? (12/20/2017 11:44:06 AM)

Everything sounds like "I Love You" thru duct tape

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